Never Split The Difference

 

I read part of Never Split the Difference during a long-haul flight recently. An overnight long-haul flight serves as a great test of measuring how engaging the reading material is. In this type of settings, the book in hand typically competes for your attention against the in-flight entertainment system, motion sickness, engine noise, people noise, the nausea caused by the smell of reheated airline food and so on. A good book helps to create an artificial world running in parallel to the duration of the flight and eliminate the negative impacts of all these factors. Fortunately, this book brought me that blessing in this flight.

The author of this book, Chris Voss, brought up the book Getting to Yes multiple times. I wrote an earlier post about Getting to Yes. He contrasted the academic born negotiation theories with the insights distilled from his war stories of hostage negotiation in numerous cases. Throughout the book, there are not only successes but also failure cases discussed, and from both what lessons are learned. To me, what attracted me to keep on reading is its storytelling, post-mortem analysis, especially the brutal honesty of the screw-ups. The models and theories presented are experience-driven. Seeing how they were derived helps me to understand how suitable they would be to certain circumstances and how I might want to adapt them.

It is fascinating that Program on Negotiation was setup in 1983 as a university consortium dedicated to the studies of theory and practice of negotiation and dispute resolution. Chris mentioned in this book the great influence this program and its products have had on how people negotiate, with criticism of some methods.

While reading this book, various personal experiences of mine came to mind. I recalled and analysed a few failures of negotiation or, even worse, failures that occurred even before there was a negotiation. One example is to do with a car salesman some years ago. Before entering the discussion regarding the price of a specific car model that I stated my interest in purchasing, I was subjected to a series of questions that were clearly designed to size me up. After answering a few of these questions, sensing that there were even more to come, I felt sick in my stomach because to me the trust was broken. I was forced to justify my action of walking into the dealer. I had to be assertive and direct that I would not have wasted the time of inquiring, had I not been serious (suggesting that the sizing-me-up questions were unnecessary and intruding my privacy), followed by walking away without a deal. Shortly after that, I had a great experience with another dealer. This gentleman calmly answered my questions clearly without being pushy. It gave me the impression that he respected the fact that purchasing a car is a decision of the buyer, not the seller. Over the course of the conversation, the initial trust at a default level that we typically have with a stranger was enhanced rather than shattered with the previous dealer. I think, a high-level of trust leads to good deals, whether the deals are worse or better in the monetary standards alone.

Chris talks a lot about listening, listening, and listening in this book. He gives a number of great suggestions. Here are some examples. You can never listen enough. Have multiple pairs of ears to catch what might have been missed. Listen again to the recording to see what you have missed at the first time. Listen for the choice of words and the tone. Watch for the alignment of the those with the body language.

My teacher John Steinhart also emphasized greatly on listening in his conflict management and leadership courses. Often we only listen to a small fraction of what others say. Then under the disguise of listening, our brains work hard to think what we are going to say at the very first chance available. Sometimes, even abruptly interrupt others. In some cases, one possible cause is too strong a self-centered desire to impress others. This can be very harmful when it comes to effective listening. However, I have worked with very smart people who habitually interrupt others (not in a condescending or rude way) and I gladly welcome their injections of words. People around these superstars usually are willing to give them that allowance because their impatience benefits the discussion. To me, it is my responsibility to find the right way to work with the diverse styles of others.

Here are some of the key lessons from this book to share with you. As usual, quotes are in italic, my words are not.  

A good negotiator prepares, going in, to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use her skills to reveal the surprises she is certain to find.

People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.

Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.

Be aware of “yes” and welcome “No” as an answer. “No” can bring forth the real underlying issues. Rethink “No” in its alternatives, for example: I am not yet ready to agree; You are making me feel uncomfortable; I do not understand; I need more information etc.

There are three different kinds of “yes”. We need to learn how to recognise which one is used. A counterfeit “yes” is one in which your counterpart plans on saying “no” but either feels “yes” is an easier escape route or just wants to disingenuously keep the conversation going to obtain more information or some other kind of edge. A confirmation “yes” is generally innocent, a reflexive response to a black-or-white question; it’s sometimes used to lay a trap but mostly it’s just simple affirmation with no promise of action. And a commitment “yes” is the real deal; it’s a true agreement that leads to a action, a “yes” at the table that ends with a signature on the contract.

Aim for “that’s right”, beware of “you’re right”. The two are vastly different. The former shows that the counterpart acknowledges that you truly understand his/her thinking and wishes. The latter could mean “get me out of here, or, please shut up”, depending on how it is used.  

Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.

People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

“Yes” is nothing without “How”. Asking “How”, knowing “How”, and defining “How” are all part of effective negotiator’s arsenal.

This would be the last book on the topics of conflict and negotiation as my one-book-a-week project this year. If I were to pass on only one message about these topics, it would be: embrace conflict and enjoy negotiation. There are gazilions of benefits if approached appropriately.

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